Why is Calc 2 so hard?

Alternate title: "How many times do you beat your head against a wall before something sticks?"

The first time I took Calc 2 was my second semester in college. I wanted to prove to people that I could in fact be a computer scientist, so I decided to study under the most difficult professor. If I could take it with the hardest professor, and pass, then surely I could prove everyone wrong. Surely, I was truly good enough to be a computer scientist. 

Spoiler alert: That's not what happened.

I realized what was happening and dropped the class. I tried retaking it over the summer, then failed. I waited to retake it again, and finally passed.

Now, I could sit here and say that "if I just took the class with an easier professor" or "if I just studied ahead of time" or even "if I just took a break from school and waited for things to get better" that things would be different. And that's true, they would be different. But at the time, I was so concerned about proving to people that I could do something, I failed to see any other option. And that was my biggest mistake. 

I passed Calc 2 and can finally move on with my life. So, story's over, right?

But I just don't like that F on my transcript...

I'm sure there are plenty of students that feel the same way about any difficult core coursework. They get in over their heads and take a difficult class, or maybe they're balancing too much and can't dedicate nearly as much time to their work, or maybe they're just so overwhelmed they give up. Sometimes, the material is just difficult, regardless of professor. There are plenty of students like me, who have tried, and failed, and tried again. At some point, if you keep trying, you're bound to get somewhere. 

So why is it so hard to let go of a failure?

Maybe it's because it's hard to let go of such a formative experience. You've pushed yourself to the limit and you're putting everything you have into this one class, all for your grade to not reflect the effort you've put into it. All of your struggle, your pain, your suffering, reduced to a letter that lacks the context of your situation. 

Because you're not proud of yourself for trying.

Despite going through hardship and coming out the other side, it's just a part of your life that you aren't proud of. A part of your life that makes you feel some sort of shame. You'll joke about it, tell stories about it, look back on it and know that life still turned out okay. But when you think about it, that's when you feel shame. That's when you feel disappointed that at some point in time, you weren't who you now know as "yourself". You were someone else. Something else. Something worse. 

You weren't good enough.

Ah yes, the words that no one wants to hear, yet it replays in our head at our worst moments. You have to have some level of competence just to take Calc 1, let alone Calc 2. So tell me, why is it so easy to believe? Why is it something we want to hear? Is it because it's easier to blame ourselves as opposed to our skills? Is it because we like wallowing in self-pity? Is it because our brains latch on to our negative emotions more strongly than our positive ones due to years of evolution?

I think you're just afraid.

You're afraid of the person you were when shit hit the fan, and you couldn't do it all. You're scared that version of yourself might rear its ugly head and drop the ball again. You're scared that people will see you the way you see the worst version of yourself... flawed, imperfect, human. Mortal. You want to believe you can do it all, as if you don't have limitations of your own. As if everything in your life can be and will be perfect every single time.

But we all know that's a lie.

I remember sitting in my professors office hours, trying to understand trig substitutions. He told me a quote that I won't forget, "In math and in life, the struggle comes before the breakthrough. Plenty of mathematicians struggle with their own math, just like students."

So, dear reader, why is Calc 2 so hard?

Because life itself is hard.

How many times do you beat your head against a wall before something sticks?

Until it turns red.

Just make sure it's not a brick wall...